Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Slow news day

Studio:  “Nothing really happened today. Let’s go to our HDU correspondent for that news in full: So what can you tell us from the frontline?”
Reporter: “Thank you. Well I’m here with Arthur Eccles, the young man at the centre of today’s events. Arthur, tell us, in your own words, what’s been going on”
Arthur: “Weight gain. Yesterday I put on 80 grams in just 24 hours. I’ve also slept a lot and drooled quite a bit”
R:            “So, in a word: growth”
A:            “Well growth certainly but remember that much of what goes in must come out again, and growth forecasts may need to be revised after my nappy change”
R:            “And the drool?”
A:            “The drool’s not really what’s important here. This type of growth takes a lot of hard work, hard work and inactivity, obviously. And that’s where the sleep comes in. I can safely say I have mastered sleep. Sleep and pooing.”
R:            “Does pooing take much mastering?”
A:            “To make it so strong it can be smelt outside the incubator takes some work.”
R:            “Are they treating you well?”
A:            “I have no complaints about my care. The nurses are saints and very gentle with me. That said; I have only two regular visitors who insist on changing my nappy themselves when they’re here.”
R:            “We believe they are your parents. What’s the problem?”
A:            “The problem is Velcro. My nappies are held on with Velcro. My babygrows are fastened with Velcro. My Sats probe and dressings are held on with Velcro straps. In the wrong hands this is a recipe for one big bundle all stuck to itself with me trapped in the middle.”
R:            “What do you do about this?”
A:            “Grimace, cry, and if all else fails, pee everywhere.”
R:            “And have you managed to get out at all?
A:            “Yes, I managed a one hour cuddle with Dad this afternoon, which was good”
R:            “What do you do during these brief escapes?”
A:            “I look cute – super-cute. And that takes the real effort.”
R:            “Arthur Eccles, thank you very much. And back to you in the studio”
Just hunkered down.

And why are you disturbing me?

Oh, OK then!
 Love, Arthur x

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